My baby is a baby, but I know it won't last. I take the time to appreciate her in my arms, her little mouth on my breast, her smallness. And then her gigantic smiles too. At night when I hold her she cries on my shoulder and falls asleep and there is no place I rather be. She will be in my arms and I cannot get enough of her and I think that she is growing too fast. But I remember to appreciate exactly where she is now and know that I have had the best time with her in all the stages she has been in so far.
I went back to work and that is OK. I feel her with me when I am not near her and I imagine she knows that I am just around the corner. When she sees me again and her whole face lights up I feel in that moment like nothing else exists in the world, but her and I and the love that spills from my heart it is so full.
I think that she may be the best thing that ever happened to me, in fact I know it. I keep saying how cute she is, when really I want to scream ...She is mine! She is mine! I got her! She is mine! And isn't she amazing?!
All the losses before her; after I decided I needed her, have become a distant memory. All the times of disappointment and anguish seem to have faded away. I know that they happened and even though I know they hurt and times were difficult during the process, it also doesn't matter any more.
She has erased it from my memory and replaced it with joy and learning and love and everything I imagined and more.
When she is in my arms and quiet and staring up smiling at me, I feel our smile is one and we both cannot believe our luck. The little life I made; I wonder if that smile is saying thank you before she can even speak the words that no doubt one day she will try and articulate in some way.
In her little sigh, cry, tilt back of the head I think that there must be some part of her that knows she is priceless to me; that she is my breathe extension and my new purpose in life.
All the things I will teach her and she will teach me I love to guess about. I have ideas, but I have no idea what they will really be. I am so excited to share my thoughts and dreams and joy of life with her that I smile more than I ever have in my life these days.
My baby is Calla, and like the lily she is graceful and strong and tall and beautiful.
